Monday, March 29, 2004


Email from CEO to whole office:
29/03/2004 08:28

On Wednesday guests from (major customer) will be visiting the company, and will be given a tour of the building as part of their visit.
While it is anticipated that the tour will take place after lunch, all staff should remain on VIP Code Red for the whole day.
The emergency code words for the day will be “My mother has recently returned from Bulgaria.“
Shoe inspection will take place on the drill ground at 8:45 am.
As you will be aware, we are currently negotiating contract renewals with (major customer) so it is essential that we create the best possible impression during their stay.

Can I also remind all staff at this juncture that personal use of the company email system is a privilege and not a right. Employees wishing to discuss further the exploits of a certain “Mr Love Pants” should do so in their own time. This chapter is now closed.

Bill Surname,
Chief Executive Officer

Bugger. That’s all I need. Appraisal time is upon us, and all team leaders will have been instructed to find the slightest excuse to mark people down. Could I make it any easier for them?
I pop into Neil’s office to book tomorrow off on leave, and generally try to gauge his mood, but I’m not certain he actually hears a word I say. He’s busy java-enabling his pie charts, and has already uploaded several of them onto the company intranet. Somehow he’s managed to make them disconcertingly interactive - those pie sectors really dance when he’s calling the tune. If anybody ever works out what they mean we could be in for some interesting times. I find it all rather endearing, like watching a small child absorbed in building a pyramid out of playing cards. I close the door very slowly on my way out.

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