Thursday, June 03, 2004

God Only Knows 

A man and a woman are sat on a sofa. His arm is around her shoulder, and she is snuggled in towards him, her head on his chest. They are watching the end of a not terribly entertaining sitcom on television.

“Heyyy! Extinct! That sounds good. I could live with that!”

Audience applauds.
Lights dim, and fade to black.
The house band plays the outgoing theme music.

Announcer: If you’re affected by any of the issues discussed in this programme, the comments box below is gagging to hear from you. And coming up next, more of the usual crap from the Big Brother laboratory. For pity’s sake, at least stay tuned for the adverts.

The woman switches off the television.
Girlfriend: That was half an hour of our lives we’ll never get back again.
Tim: Yeah. Weak. And who was the main bloke in it?
Girlfriend: Imaginary Dave?
Tim: No. The other one.
Girlfriend: Tim. The same name as you, duh!
Tim: Yeah, Tom that’s right.
Girlfriend: TIM!
Tim: What? Anyway - that Tom - did he have his head up his own arse or what?
Girlfriend: I guess. *Yawns* So what shall we do now?
Tim: Mmm. Let’s see. How about a song?
Girlfriend: A song?
Tim: A song! Why not? Hey Jimmy - a one, and a two, and a four!

Jimmy is the house band leader. Hey! This is one of those clever endings that they always tag on at the end of a sitcom, after the credits have rolled and you think it’s finished. And in this case, after the telly’s been switched off. Groundbreaking! Tim proceeds to sing Hanging Around - the Robbie Williams / Burt Bacharach number that everyone has been so keenly anticipating. Exclusively available here!

Tim (gazing into Girlfriend’s eyes): We could go out, or stay here instead. Go to the pub or go to bed. I don’t mind - I’m having a wonderful time. We could go for a walk, visit the park…

(The camera now shows the two of them strolling hand in hand through a park, playing on the swings, feeding ducks, goofing around on an empty bandstand, etc.)

…frighten the pigeons until dark. I don’t care, as long as you are there.
Year after year of bumming around, drinking beer, I want you to know I’m happy to be here hanging around with you. Every night and every day, no matter what - we’ll be OK. Whatever life throws our way, I’m gonna be there for you…

(Now the couple are dressed for an evening on the town. The camera follows them enjoying the various possibilities that Preston’s nightlife has to offer. Not the seedy strip joints though, obviously. It’s like one of those promotional films you get before each song on the Eurovision Song Contest.)

…We could go see a film, or take in a show. A table for two, or pizza to go. Horsing around, hitting the town, hanging around with you. I’ll call us a cab, you’ll call me absurd. I’m telling you kid, you’re one hell of a bird…

(Camera shows Tim falling off a restaurant table. He has a pizza stuffed into his trousers.)

…I’ll sing it out loud - I’m terribly proud to be hanging around with you.
Year after year of bumming around, drinking beer, I want you to know I’m happy to be here hanging around with you. Every night and every day, no matter what - we’ll be OK. Whatever life throws our way, I’m gonna be there for you. There for you, just hanging around!

(As the music draws to a close, the camera zooms out, revealing a vast panorama of Preston in all it’s glittery glory: the Ribble shimmering seductively as it reflects the city lights; the famous Preston skyline silhouetted against a starry sky - the towering church spires, the multi-story car park above the bus station, the Guild Hall, Harriss Museum and Art Gallery and the many majestic municipal buildings. There is magic in the car fumes on this lovely lovely night.
The final scene shows Tim and Girlfriend canoodling in the moonlight on a bench in Winckley Square, with squirrels gathered at their feet, ostensibly gazing up adoringly like doting grandchildren, but actually causing a distraction while other squirrels root through their coat pockets for anything of potential value that they could sell the following day in the city’s many fine pubs, nightclubs and after hours drinking establishments. The picture fades to black, deep velvety black. Even the twinkling stars and satellites succumb to the darkness, darker and darker still, deep, deep into the infinite blah blah blah, I’m sure you get the idea.)

Tim: Fancy some tiramisu? I’ve still got some here in my hair. It tastes okay actually.
Girlfriend: Euurghh! You are the most disgusting person I’ve ever met!
Tim: Disgusting but lovable?
Girlfriend: Let me think about that for a moment… Erm… No - just disgusting. And you smell funny.
Tim: God only knows what I’d be without you. Are you sure you don’t want some?

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Copyright(c) 2004-2010 by Tim, A Free Man In Preston.
It kind of goes without saying, but this is my blog. I own it.

Slightly daft MP3 disclaimer: All MP3's are posted here for a limited time only. Music is not posted here with the intention to profit or violate copyright. In the unlikely event that you are the creator or copyright owner of a song published on this site and you want it to be removed, let me know.