Thursday, August 26, 2004

William, It Was Really Nothing 

“How gay are you, Tim?” asked Stella.
“Yes Tim,” added Terry, “just how gay are you?”
Suddenly everybody was looking at me. I’m not used to an audience.
“Come on Tim. Tell us. How gay are you?” spluttered Mike.
The office fell silent.

“Hello? Am I missing something here?” I asked, rabbit-in-the-headlights style.
"He's not done it yet, has he?" said Mike, wiping his mouth.
It felt like the whole building had stopped and was waiting for me to spout, I don’t know, wisdom or something. How unlikely is that?

“Erm. What is this? Well… There was a couple of times when I was seventeen, but nothing since. He was my best friend.”

Hoots of laughter. Oh terrific.

“What Mike means,” explained Terry with less than helpful timing, “is that you’ve not done the gay-o-meter test that’s going round. That's all. Check your inbox.”
“Great. Just great. I’ll do it in a minute.”

I thought what makes somebody gay is whether or not they fancy members of the same sex, but apparently there’s more to it than that. There are other issues to consider, such as whether or not you hire a professional to do DIY tasks, or whether you’d rather be a cat or a dog. Or how important it is to decorate upon moving into a new flat. What, I wonder, if you don’t live in a flat?

Anyway, this morning I was 23% gay. I’ve just done the test again at home, and this time I came out 33% gay, so to speak.
Not in an obsessive way, you understand, but in the interests of research, I did the test again. I answered as before except I began by declaring that I sleep with men - which I don’t, although I did twice in 1983 - and it still thinks I’m only 33% gay, some, erm, 67% less than you might expect.

Whatever. Scientific methodology was probably not foremost in the minds of the experts who produced it.

Maybe I lost points because I don’t own leather trousers, and further more, have never given sex as a present.
Mind you, it’s not something you often see on people’s Amazon wish-lists, is it?

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