Sunday, December 12, 2004

You're The One For Me, Fatty 

In today’s shabby clip show edition of A Free Man In Preston, all the characters are played by themselves, except the part of Tim, who is played by smouldering Hollywood pin up Jude Law.

We find the hero of our story - Tim, you fools! Tim! - in the snug of a hotel bar in an exotic European capital. He is joined by his friend and colleague Terry. They are both wearing Santa Claus hats, and they are out of their heads on Malibu. A roaring log fire crackles in the background.

Tim: Well, Terry! I take my hat off to Stella and Tabs. [Tim takes his hat off, revealing a messed up mop of ‘hat hair’. He puts the hat back on again.] They certainly had me fooled.
Terry: That’s right Tim! They made a proper pair of Charlies out of us!
Tim: The genuine article.

The pair fall silent for 10 minutes, staring at the roaring log fire in contemplation. They shake their heads and tut in disbelief.

Tim: So just to recap, Terry, let me try to summarise the story so far.
Terry: Be my guest, Tim.
Tim: Alright then, Terry. Stella joined the company back in August, and immediately set about rubbing us up the wrong way. So when she got wind that Neil’s leaving do was happening in Manchester
Terry:we fibbed and said it would be in Liverpool instead.
Tim: So we had a great night out without Stella or Tabs. And then - and this is where the weird stuff began - when Stella came into work the following Monday, she kept going on about the brilliant time she’d had with us and how her friend Tabs had taken a real shine to Terry.
Terry: [Beaming proudly] That’s right, Tim.
Tim: But what had actually happened was that she and Tabs had turned up in Liverpool and realised that we’d stitched them up by deliberately sending them to the wrong town. So instead of getting in a strop about it, like a big stroppy eighties style yuppie witch, Stella got her revenge by having a bit of fun at our expense.
Terry: At our expense!
Tim: Your’s in particular, Terry.
Terry: On my expenses in particular!
Tim: That’s right Terry, because Stella warmed to her task, and pretended that you and Tabs had started going out together. Which was very confusing.
Terry: Very confusing!
Tim: But after a while, Tabs began to think Stella had gone too far. She felt guilty about Stella making your life a misery…
Terry: Misery!
Tim: … and started to feel a bit sorry for you. And that day she came in for her interview, when she first actually set eyes on you…
Terry: and me her…
Tim: … she fancied you immediately and decided “You’re the one for me, Fatty.”
Terry: I thought she was well fit.
Tim: So when she…
Terry: I had my all time best ever wank thinking about her that night.
Tim: Riiiight. You know it’s possible to over share, Terry?
Terry: That’ll be the Malibu. Burrrrp!
Tim: So anyway. When she turned up for her first day at work, while I was on holiday, she decided that since she was already supposedly going out with you, all she had to do was pretend to carry on as normal. And it worked! She asked you out for lunch, and you stayed at her’s that night, just like you supposedly had been doing for weeks.
Terry: The woman’s a genius.
Tim: And she’s got a lot of balls.
Terry: No she doesn’t.
Tim: I know that. It’s a figure of speech.
Terry: Oh yeah baby, she’s got a great figure. And a lot of balls. And fantastic…
Tim: And that’s all we have time for tonight, folks! Cue title music, camera fades to black and roll the audience applause.
Terry: … tits.
Tim: Bugger. Are we still on air?
Terry: On what? Did you say we’re on air?
Tim: No. What I said was “Do you fancy another Malibu?”
Terry: So am I! Let’s have a drink!

Cue title music, play canned audience applause, camera fades to black.

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