Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I Art You, Steven Gerrard 

In my dream, there are many people entering a park. It's the weekend, it's sunny, all the hip kids are eating ice-cream cones. In the middle of the park there's a lake. In the middle of the lake there's an island. I see a notice that refers to a 'Public Art Unveiling Ceremony'. The artist is named as 'Millie' - an old girlfriend (((shudder))). This causes a moment of 'eek' in me. I look around but I cannot see her. Amongst the crowd, walking hand-in-hand with a young woman I've never seen before, we all head to where a small stage has been set up by the lake's edge. I notice that huge sheeting covers all of the lake's small island. It seems that the small island is to be the site of the public art exhibit.

Cut to the moment of the unveiling. Millie is on stage with Mark Lawson of Newsnight Review. This is art that's getting the serious treatment. Also on stage is Fran Cosgrove of Celebrity Love Island (((shudder))) - he will say a few words and unveil the artwork. Maybe I was wrong about the serious treatment. 'What the fuck could it be?' I ponder. Fran steps forward to the microphone, the crowd cheer.

"Alright like" says Fran
"Yeah" (etc etc) whoop the crowd
(Millie smiles)
(Mark Lawson looks a bit embarrassed)
"Er-, I dunno what t' say really, let's just open the I Art You work shall we?"
"Yeah" shout the crowd

Fran points a remote control device at the island and presses a button. The sheeting descends from the tree-tops, falling into the water. This reveals a huge shiny metallic letters, they read 'I look forward to a future with you, Shane. xxx'. 'Fuck me' thinks I. Mark Lawson and Millie move towards the microphone. Do I not want to hear this! My hand-holder is gone. Vanished. I wend my way through the crowd before the artist interview begins. I leave the park. I spot a pub. Fancying an icy lemonade, I move towards it. As I move to enter, I'm forced to step aside as a young fella carrying some bulky shiny metallic object staggers out. I recognise him. Looking a bit bleary-eyed, it's the Liverpool Football Club captain, Steven Gerrard. He's carrying the European Champions League trophy.

"Where did you get that from?" I ask
"Nicked it" says he, then he burps.

He staggers off. I frown and enter the pub.


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