Monday, June 27, 2005

Sailing By 

There’s a sweet spot in the bathroom.
The vectors, trajectories and uneven floorboards all point towards a great confluence, and placing the scales in precise alignment with the radiator and the shower door makes me slightly less susceptible to gravity than I would be elsewhere in the room. Should I follow this reading or that?

I’ve been charting calories consumed and burned in my little logbook, trying to shove my heaving BMI out of the red and into the black.
I’m getting there but this isn’t travelling by Concorde, it’s a long haul across the ocean in a leaky boat and my nights are filled with creaks and dark rumblings and the temptation to jump ship and swim for peanut buttery shores is hard to resist.

I sit in my cabin all day biting my nails, thinking “I’m so hungry, I’m so hungry. This is much harder than I thought it would be, and boring too,” while all around me colleagues are diving into bacon sandwiches and cream cakes - Come on in, the fat’s lovely! - and this morning, Mike the big tubby biffer said he was running a half marathon in September and I looked at him and said “Yeah right, and my name’s Haile Gebrselassie” and now I’m running it as well, which only adds injury to insult. I don’t want to do it but I’ve given my word so what can I do?

It’s cold and dark here in my little rowing boat and the waters are murky and beset with immense danger. Peril lurks in every cupboard. I sleep with the radio on.

And now the shipping forecast issued by the Met Office, on behalf of the Maritime and Coastguard Agency at 0015 on Monday 27 June 2005.
The general synopsis at 1300: High Humber 1029 slow moving, declining 1025 by 1300 tomorrow. New loaf expected Fitzroy 1016 by same time.

The area forecasts for the next 24 hours:
Viking North Utsire, west or southwest veering northwest 4 or 5, but cakes first in the fridge. Moderate or good.
South Utsire, west or northwest 4 or 5, occasionally wine in fridge door. Guinness later.
Forth Tyne Hot Dogs, variable 3 or 4. Delicious. Moderate or good.
German bite to eat, west or northwest, variable 3 or 4.
Hunger Thames Dover, 4 or 5 donuts expected later.
Hebrides, thunder expected. Baileys on ice.

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