Friday, December 08, 2006

Merry Christmas Everybody 

Stella, my eighties style yuppie witch of a team leader, has been upstairs in a meeting all day with War, Pestilence, Famine and Death. A full house. Bored, snooping around her office, I glanced through a glossy magazine left on her desk. The usual dross.
One article bore the headline “100 Killer Dresses For The Christmas Party Season - Nobody Will Be Able To Take Their Eyes Off Your Tits!”
Another read “This Christmas, Give Him One He’ll Thank You For For The Rest Of His Days - Here’s How!”
But then I found an interesting little quiz, which I’ve stolen and reproduced here. Stella had scored 35. I got 17. How will you fare?

The Big “How Christmassy Are You?” Quiz.

1. It’s December 1st. Your Christmas tree has been up and decorated since:
a) One minute past midnight.
b) October.
c) Shit. I must think about buying a Christmas tree.
d) I always mean to do the whole tree thing, but I’m always so busy and never end up getting round to it.
e) Christmas is depressing. Why bother?

2. Christmas is a time for giving. Which of the following best describes you?
a) I love the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping. Christmas markets are adorable.
b) Department stores give me a real sense of belonging, which churchgoing just doesn’t do for me.
c) I buy all my presents on the internet. It’s so stress-free!
d) Shit. I must think about doing some shopping.
e) Consumerism is depressing. Like, big wow, a scarf.

3. OK. You’ve done all your shopping. Time to snuggle up in front of your favourite Christmas movie:
a) It’s A Wonderful Life. It makes me feel all warm inside.
b) The Muppet Christmas Carol. Those critters are so darn cute!
c) Die Hard. Bruce Willis in a vest, shooting stuff. What’s not to like?
d) National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Chevy Chase cracks me up!
e) It’s A Wonderful Life is soooo depressing. It’s central premise is that if you’ve no friends then you’re screwed. Why did you have to remind me?

4. You have booked a hair appointment in time for the Christmas Party Season, but when you arrive your usual stylist Gervais is off sick, or more likely at home shagging the arse off his Portuguese boyfriend Ricardo - the lucky spud! - and the only stylist available is a fat work experience girl called Kelly, who smells of bubble gum and has an ASBO. What do you do?
a) Give the kid a chance. Young people have such low self-esteem these days and need all the support we can give them. Everybody was a beginner once!
b) Say you’ve suddenly remembered you have to be elsewhere, and reschedule.
c) Kick up a fuss and demand to be seen by a senior stylist immediately.
d) Boycott the establishment for life.
e) I cut my own hair.

5. The Christmas Party Season is upon us, and tonight it’s the Office Party! How do you feel?
a) It’ll be so much fun to cut loose with my friends and colleagues. I’m going to dance until dawn! Or die trying! LOL!
b) I’m going to be the most drop dead gorgeous woman in the room, and I'll kill any bitch who stands in my way. I’ll dump their pathetic butchered remains out by the kitchen to fester with the potato peelings and turkey carcasses.
c) I’m going to drink myself into oblivion.
d) I’m going to come out.
e) I’m between jobs at the moment.

6. You are now at the Christmas party. Which statement best describes your mood?
a) This is so great! I wish it could be Christmas more often!
b) I wish I’d worn something less tarty. Everybody keeps staring at my boobs.
c) I can’t believe I’m necking with that creepy guy from accounts. Again. I want to stick my head in an oven.
d) The really pretty girl from sales just asked if she could fondle my breasts and I said yes, and she let me fondle hers too. Everything that has ever happened to me in my entire life suddenly makes complete sense. This dress is really working out for me.
e) I’m self employed. I’m partying alone tonight, and Sky is showing Stargate SG-1 series ten. More crisps!

7. It’s the day after the office Christmas party. So how are you?
a) Boy am I hungover, but I’ve managed a full day’s work! Best turn in early tonight!
b) There are dozens of emails circulating the office on the subject of my tits. Whoever invented camera phones wants fucking shooting.
c) The creep from accounts is off today. One word and he dies.
d) The pretty girl from sales wants to take me out this weekend. I said yes. I’m nervous but excited!
e) Ha ha ha! Look at all the boring squares with their boring square office jobs and their boring square lives, all feeling like shit! Ha!

8. What is your most abiding memory of Christmas as a child?
a) Building a snowman with your Mum and Dad and brother and sister on Christmas morning, then enjoying a kids versus grown ups snowball fight.
b) The crunch of wheels against virgin snow and those amazing tyre tracks in your wake, as you and your Dad drive to your Gran’s to bring her over for Christmas day.
c) Gran slipping badly on the garden path, and everybody spending the day in casualty playing Travel Scrabble and trying to keep out of the way of drunks.
d) Seeing Mummy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe, then your Dad comes back from the pub early and catches them at it, and it’s all kicking off, and your Mum is screaming at Santa, “Leave him Trevor, he’s not worth it!” Who the fuck is Trevor?
e) At the age of six, your gift from Uncle Keith is a puppy, completely out of the blue, and everybody’s thinking “Woah! That’s a bit weird,” but no one actually says anything, and you love that little puppy with all your beautiful heart, until it dies after five weeks with kidney failure. It turns out your uncle bought him on the cheap out of a bad batch, but you only learn this years later when he’s in prison.

9. Carol singers arrive at your door.
a) You invite them in for mince pies and enjoy a glass of sherry with the grown ups.
b) You grab your coat and scarf and join them as they serenade the neighbourhood.
c) You endure their useless singing for as long as you can without seeming rude, give them a quid, and hope that they don’t return.
d) You give them a handful of small change and shut the door in their faces.
e) You pretend not to be in, even though it’s patently obvious that you are, because they’re watching you watching telly.

10. The big day has arrived. Happy Christmas! It is now three o’clock in the afternoon.
a) You are listening to the Queen’s Christmas Message on Radio Four, while serving hot meals for the homeless at your local church hall, and trying to put it out of your mind that you really don’t like Christians, and that the homeless can be so downright hostile sometimes, but it’s probably understandable.
b) You pop out to catch the Queen’s Christmas Message on telly, in the bosom of your family, in between washing saucepans and preparing for the next onslaught of eating.
c) You are a militant anti-Royalist, so watch the Alternative Christmas Message on Channel 4, presented by Khadija, a Muslim woman who wears the Niqab.
d) You are too busy running around playing with your nephews and nieces to be paying any attention to the telly.
e) You’ve been on your Play Station for thirty hours solid, and don’t have a clue where you are or what day it is.

How Did You Score?
Award yourself up to four points for each question, as you see appropriate.

41+ You really are Christmassy, aren’t you? Good for you! Now go back and try the maths again.
40-31 The spirits of Christmas move within you! Aren’t you quite the party girl? You are big hearted and vivacious, and everybody wants to touch tummies with you! You are probably a size 8, or 10 at most!
30-21 You have spent your whole life bowing and scraping to the whimsical demands of lifestyle fascists and editors of newspaper think pieces. These people are not your parents - you don’t have to try and impress them all the time. Or any of the time! There is too much dietary roughage in your life. Cut loose, follow your heart and be free! Sprinkle some salt on that turkey!
20-11 Nobody wants to hang out with a grump. Lighten up. Join a club, take up a team sport, learn to like yourself in lycra. Reading books is all very well, but twenty four hours a day? Hop on a bus, go somewhere new, do something crazy to alarm the folks back home.
10-0 Your entire existence is a dark shit hole of misery and despair. Turkeys have more fun at Christmas than you. Dump the self-loathing, it’s time to get jolly! Get out of the house and feel the wind beneath your folds! Decide on a course of action and stick to it this time!

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