Tuesday, October 07, 2008


Pet food conspiracy theorists used to witter on about Whiskas containing heroin.
It’s always seemed terrifically unlikely to me. I’ve no idea how much a scoop of heroin costs – is that the correct terminology? - but I’d guess that a tin of Whiskas is far cheaper, so how come you never see eight out of ten junkies slumped face down in a saucer of Tuna in Jelly?

I’ve been thinking about this because of the way our local sparrow community goes positively mental when we put their peanuts out. They’re eating us out of house and home.
At first it was a delight to see so many of them gathered around the feeder. How munificent I am! How very popular!
It's kind of thrilling to look out of the window each morning and see so many creatures enjoying the benefit of your goodness; the ornithological equivalent of opening your Inbox and finding yourself inundated with half a dozen Facebook friend requests.

We’ve put nuts out for the birds before now, but just lately consumption has shot through the roof. The little sods are getting through a full feeder's worth every five days. It used to be three or four times that, at least.
I’ve given the matter considerable thought and can only conclude that they've started coating peanuts in crack cocaine. It's the only explanation that makes any kind of sense.

We've created a ghetto in our own back garden. You should see the state of my pyjamas after I've been on a refilling mission, especially when the feeder's been empty for any amount of time. Angry little buggers. Those conspiracy theorists need to be careful what they wish for.

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